Michael Mcintyre: Silent Letters

English language was created by English people. I don’t know when, but we decided to get letters to form words, so we can communicate. But we also decided to sprinkle, for no apparent reason, letters within these words. Silent. Shh! Forever. Why? Why?

Like word hour, for example. Why is word hour spelt with H? Why is there H? silent H. Nobody has ever said, I’ll see you in HHHour. I’m just going to pick up sandwich. I’ll be back in half hour.

Even half has L in it. How long is journey? About half hour to hour. sandwich shop is half hour away. It’s waste of everybody’s time.

word subtle, would anybody object if it was spelt S-U-T-L-E? Not single person would. But there’s B in middle going, shh, just ignore me. Just ignore me forever. I’m silent. I’ve been left here, left behind. I don’t know, I was destined for another word, baboon, but here I am with you. How I long to be in word baboon, where I have purpose. Like all those words that should begin with N, but have K.

Of all letters, why would K be silent? Knickers. Why is it knickers? Knuckles. Knuckles. So, I’ve been thinking about this, as you can probably tell, and I think we should have day.

We should have day. Silent Letter Day, where they all come out to play. It would be on wed-nes day. Some time in autumn. It could be in February. I haven’t promised you date. It could be in February, or autumn.

And we’ll spend day together, families together, talking, talking, and walking we’ll go for walks. And climbing. Knitting, lot of knitting.

people will save up their knitting to do on Silent Letter Day. And knife is only cutlery that you’re allowed to use.

No other cutlery is allowed on Silent Letter Day. food is buffet style. You go along with your knife. There’s salmon and swordfish and sandwiches and yoghurt. And you use your knife. All flavours are very subtle. very subtle flavours.

And gnome will be symbol of Silent Letter Day. Like Father Christmas. At Christmas, gnome. Everybody gives each other gnome to celebrate. Happy Silent Letter Day. I got you gnome. I kept it hidden in cupboard for months.

I wrapped it up. Do you like it? I wrapped it up. I cut wrapping paper with scissors. I used scissors to cut wrapping paper. 

And then you’re friend says ‘I’m so sorry, I forgot. I didn’t realise. Is it really Silent Letter Day? Is it honestly? Is it honestly Silent Letter Day?

You mean honestly? Yes, it is honestly. You should have known! But you never listen! You never listen! I’m not giving you gnome. I’m sorry. I’m taking it back to shop. I’ve kept receipt.

And at end of day… ..we will celebrate with champagne.

Can I offer you some champagne? Happy Silent Letter Day! Just drop. Maybe just splash. Oh, there’s knock at door. Oh, it’s Chloe and Isla. My old friends from school. Fascinating. Grab knife, help yourself to lasagna.

And at end of day, when we are knackered… ..we go to sleep at half past hour.